If, when we started, I had known what would have ended up happening, I have no doubts that I would not have acted as I did. I would not have joined any apps. But since I did what I did and I have come through it and am on this side, when people ask, do you regret it? I’ve thought a lot about it… there are certain moments when I regret it, when I wish I could take it back, when I wish I didn’t know anybody I know now who I didn’t know then; but mostly, I’m glad I met the people I did. I’ve gone through a lot of new emotions—nuances on feelings I thought I might recognize but which I can’t name, parts of me that I didn’t know had the capacity to feel having felt something extraordinary for the first time in my life, a depth that I hadn’t known before, either, a new depth of feelings I’d felt before… I can’t regret that I learned these things. 

Not long ago—I remember quite clearly being nineteen and having the thought occur to me that it didn’t matter if my own life amounted to anything (or nothing) because I’d trade my life in a second for the ability to write well, to write a good story. I went on to pursue that interest until it became obsession and I no longer considered my life as my own—I belonged to writing, to the story I’d someday write. Though I have reoriented my thinking after these four months, and have reminded myself that I still feel this way, that I belong to writing, that what I want more than anything is to be a writer, to write well, to produce something good, new, and interesting, to the best degree that I can possibly do any thing—this whole experience, this whole “dating app experiment,” made me think differently than all that…selfishly. For the first time in four years I coveted my own experiences and my own future. Those feelings startled me. 

When we started all of this…I’m not sure why, but my guard was down. I was open to all the feelings that I eventually developed, I wasn’t guarded against anything, and when I felt things that confused me, I simply allowed that, without letting my questions or concern or wonder stifle what was growing in me. I had always, previously, been so careful—guard up, dukes up, as a rule. It was just the way I lived. I don’t know why in April, I wasn’t living that way. So, because I was caught off-guard and because I wasn’t being careful not to let this happen—I admit that for the first time, I grew to like somebody. I’m now… afraid to let that happen again. Now that I know what I’m capable of feeling, I have to be careful about occasioning those feelings again.

I used to believe in living completely honestly, and in sharing my feelings because I thought it was best to be clear, to give information so that people around me could make meaningful decisions. Now that I’m leaving in a few weeks, and it seems that now would be the time to air some things that are on and have been on my mind—I’ve had to reassess whether I still feel this way. I think I’ve really changed. Before, I would just say what I wanted to or get a last word in because I felt it was right, and that then I’d be able to leave knowing that I said everything I wanted to, so I wouldn’t regret it later. But after these months and after battling my own heart and my own feelings… I don’t think I believe in that anymore. Whether or not someone wants to know, or wants to hear what you have to say…that seems much more important to me now. I guess I took it for granted, before, that people would want to know. I think, now, that whether or not I feel okay or better after saying something might not be the most important thing. It might not do the most good in the end. Whether I continue to think this way or whether I revert to my natural tendency, which is to share—I have no way of knowing right now.

For all these reasons… I don’t regret it. I used to be wistful for a time before all of this, and think jealously of the opportunity to start over. But I understand why I thought how I thought at that time and know that I had no reason to foresee what happened. And besides this—I now know a lot that I didn’t know before. It’s worth it to me for that. 

Farewell

Matthew (the hiker):

His smile in his pictures were inviting. He came off as a chill guy. So, I swiped right on him and we matched. We had an easygoing conversation. My inference of his character was almost spot-on. He is pretty inviting, laid-back even. I didn't hesitate when he suggested we meet up. Initially, he suggested we go hiking. Somehow, it ended up spending a couple hours chatting at a Starbucks before him grabbing lunch (because I wasn't hungry yet). He did his fair bit of traveling. As it were, he came back from teaching abroad in Japan. We traded stories about our adventures in that country. We also realized how similar we are in nature. I think he was the closest I got to being how I usually am around good friends, which is saying a lot. He didn't elicit much of the anxieties and nervousness that I usually am ravaged by whenever I meet up with a match. It's curious. And yet, I never did get back to him on that hike he suggested in the first place. It started off as my lack of interest in requesting a second meet up. Then, it rolled into forgetting to even tell him I'm sorry for not saying anything at all. In the end, an awkward amount of time passed to which I just gave up thinking about it at all. I think at some point during our meeting, he had a booger dangling in plain view in his nostril. It distracted me more than it disgusted me. 

Andrew (the last one):

He had a dorky smile that caught me off guard. We exchanged lengthy messages- meaningful ones. It's quite rare to come across guys on tinder who take the time to actually hold a decent conversation. Quite often, they're kind of dull. I think maybe we're all just a bit apprehensive about being the person who comes off as the more interested party so we just keep things light and noncommitted. I find it a shame, really. You're really just exchanging words via the Internet, words that are easily taken to be true, too. There's really nothing to be apprehensive about and yet, all too often people over trivialize things. Well, with Andrew, it was pleasant to just chat with him. The long blocks of text were refreshing to see. I kind of surprised myself when I spontaneously agreed to meet him, for a movie of all the activities to choose from. For some unknown reason, I assumed the Minions movie was screening and suggested we watch that. He found the showtime and we met in front of the theater. I was late, no surprise there. It turns out, the theater had showtimes listed for a movie that hasn't even hit the big screen yet. So, we opted for another movie that had a similar showtime. It was Inside Out. Right after we decided on the movie, he went over to the cashier to buy tickets. I wasn't prepared for him to just buy my ticket, to be honest. I never expect the guy to pay for my share. Anyway, I greatly appreciate the gesture because I don't think I would ever watch Inside Out if I had to pay for it myself. 

Halfway through the movie, I suppose, he started to put the moves on me. Now, this was my first movie theater date (sans high school experiences) so I was only riding on what I learned from pop culture mediums. There was a comedic scene and as we were laughing, he initiated the first physical contact in the form of lightly touching my hand, which was resting on my bag that was on my lap and then left his right arm over the arm rest and directly next to my left thigh. I remember thinking how long he would leave it there if I left it alone and feigned ignorance. I was more intrigued with how he'd subtly retract it after he realized I wasn't about to attend to his arm at all. He probably wasn't one to give up easily. After a while, he moved his hand to rest it on top of my bag as if to say, hey, I'm right here. Hold me. At that point, I had my arms folded across my chest. I knew that if I continued to ignore his hand, the rest of the night would be extremely awkward and uncomfortable. I wasn't about to go through that so I just gave in and interlocked my fingers with his. We finished the movie and he insisted I try out Dave and Busters because I mentioned once that I never went to one. Like he did with the movie tickets, he bought a game card for us to use to play the arcade games. It was really nice and generous of him. We played a couple rounds of Time Crisis. Skeezeball. I beat him at that. Then, he made me play this terrible zombie shooting game that measures your heart rate because its main feature is to scare the living hell out of you by making the zombies pop out at you and screech at you as you try your best to plug them with bullet holes. He had to pick up a friend from the airport so we parted ways at the parking garage. We hugged. I thanked him for the night. And then, I never responded to him. It was for two reasons. The first one was because I simply didn't feel compelled to. The second and main one is because throughout the whole date and even afterwards, I kept on thinking of another person. 


This whole episode with cmb and tinder was just a huge mess I created just so I could try and distract myself from thinking about the one person that has plagued my mind for the past half year. In a way, it did kind of work. I haven't been as fixated. Still, my feelings haven't changed. Aside from trying to distract myself, I also wanted to see if I could find it in me to meet someone new and perhaps develop a relationship. And yet, the result is negative. All I can solidly conclude from this adventure is that online dating doesn't work for me. At least, in the past couple months or so it didn't seem to. So, I've decided to part ways with it indefinitely. Who's to say I might get back into somewhere in the future? But, in my current state, I rather not be concerned with it. 

meeting 3

The third meeting with a match from Tinder was, by far, the most difficult but the best. I have had some difficulty in writing about it and I still won’t be able to go into detail, but since I wrote about the first two, it didn’t seem right to leave the third out. 

The first person to talk to me on Tinder two months ago with whom I struck up any kind of real conversation was this person, and I was completely blindsided by him, actually. I didn’t join Tinder to get interested in anybody and I didn’t even join it to make friends, so I think my guard was down. He was immediately interesting, thoughtful, and articulate. We talked about a lot of things, and often. It doesn’t take me long to know how I’ll get along with people and I just felt something with him. These days when I think back about how it was at that time, part of me hugely regrets re-joining Tinder at all. I became irreversibly emotionally invested in whatever it was I had with him and interested in him and even after it became clear to me that he was interested in friendship rather than anything else, I couldn’t make myself quite feel that way. But I was / am happy to have a friendship with him though it’s different from my feelings.

It took us a long time to meet. I was going through interviews during the time that we thought it might originally work, but then someone made an interview with me during the exact time slot I thought it might work to meet, so we had to push it back. He started a new job with an unpredictable schedule, but was persistent in planning something. 

When we met it was at a park closer to me than to him. He had his guitar and wrote a few songs. I was supposed to have helped but I didn’t turn out to be help at all. I was so shy and stupid but I still enjoyed the time. I don’t really know how he felt about it; I think he had a nice time, but I’m not entirely confident about it. At the time he had mentioned meeting again, and of course I wanted to and want to. We had originally talked about doing something, maybe going to a poetry reading or things like that. 

Meeting him made me realize some things: that objectively, he’s wildly better-looking, like, to a silly degree we’re lopsided in that; that I’m less able to control my shyness than I knew; that being friends with him is something that meets a need in me that hasn’t been met in a while—contact with creative people and creative output is something I haven’t had since I was involved in the creative writing emphasis at UCI. I loved it and I felt most myself at that time; meeting him and corresponding with him was good for me, for that, beyond everything that I think is cool about him. 

After meeting—three weeks ago, now—conversation spread out; he’s busy with work, and to be honest the clip at which we exchanged texts up until then was pretty impressive; I don’t even have that kind of social energy normally, but with him it was different. Today it’s been a little while since I heard from him at all. I know, given my situation, that it is selfish of me to want anything at all. But I’d like to see him again before I leave, I’d like to keep in touch. We’ll have to see what happens. 

Sometimes I regret re-joining Tinder, for thinking that it would last three days and I’d write my blog posts and be on my way, unaffected and unchanged. But this person is also one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met and I’m glad I did meet him. The timing of everything, the fact that I couldn’t control my emotions and got attached and admiring, that’s all on me. In any case, I really enjoyed my third meeting and I enjoy this person. He’s the first person who’s made me even a little bit sorry that I’m leaving so soon—but I’m only half of whatever’s between us, and I understand that. Whatever’s going on with him, whether what he wants has changed or his schedule or whatever, I respect it. 

Overall—using Tinder this time around has proven to be so so so much more emotional and embroiling than I had ever imagined. I’ve learned a lot about myself, I’ve even felt some things that I never felt before. It’s been quite difficult, really draining; I never intended any of this. And who would have thought? So when I start to get hard on myself for doing this, for joining so close to when I planned to leave, for wanting to start things which have no time to grow, I remind myself that I couldn’t have foreseen this, that it’s so absurdly different from my first experience with Tinder, and that living this way, feeling what I feel and wanting what I want, is just the only way I know how to live. I don’t want to feel bad for that anymore. 

But part of me still wonders if I’m the only one who’s gotten anything out of what I’ve had with this guy and if I should have not responded to that first message, if I should have stuck to the plan and said hey this has been nice but I have to delete my account now on the third day… I’ve thought about explaining myself a hundred times, saying I didn’t plan for this, and I don’t really know how you feel about this but if it’s annoying, I’m sorry for this… But since I don’t know, I hoard my memories greedily, knowing that at least I can take them with me wherever. 

Those worth mentioning

I've had a long break from the last time I posted so a lot of details have already eluded me.

Samuel- the guy who proved my prejudices wrong:

He came off as a typical frat bro type who only cared for superficial shit like partying and working out. Well, he does work out. But apparently, he's not a complete tool and I shared a pleasant conversation with him. Unfortunately, we never got around to meeting up despite talking about it. I was genuinely curious about this guy. How often do you come across a dude who has a picture of him in a classic bro tank with something that looks like an EDM festival in the background that also tells you he went to Stagecoach over the weekend? 

Giancarlo- the writer:

I have to admit, whenever I come across a guy who says he's a writer in his profile, I am instantly engaged. It follows that I will inevitably ask what kind of writer he is if we do match, which I did. Screenplay writer, this one is. Our replies are longer than average. He's intelligent. I'm interested. He suggests we hang out. I agree. We arrange to meet up at a gastropub of his suggestion. I had a long 6 hour shift that day before immediately driving over to the place we agreed to meet up at. Since it's in a downtown area, I had to circle around a couple times for street parking. Eventually, I luck out and find one a couple blocks away. Once I arrived at the entrance where he was already waiting for me, I did the most awkward thing- I pointed at him and said, "You're....yea" then I pointed to me and said, "I'm ... uh huh. Shall we go in?" He just smiled and nodded. It gets worse. I order a burger only to realize that it's enormous and I ended up talking him into sharing half of it with me despite the fact that he also ordered an appetizer for himself because he already had steak earlier. Our conversation in the restaurant mainly encompassed the topic of traveling. He also showed off his tattoo in his own awkward style and explained what he wanted to do for future potential tattoo ideas. I didn't think I would care for tattoos because I never did. But in his case, it was attractive. 

We split the bill and decided to just walk around the vicinity because it was my first time venturing into that area. It was refreshing, but I was extremely exhausted. It took a lot of effort to keep myself functioning correctly. Eventually, after walking around for a while, I decided to call it a night but it just so happened that a bum was loitering in front of my car and I wasn't about to get caught up in something nasty so we sat on a planter at the end of the block from where my car was parked. There, we talked more about ourselves and stuff we've done. Like, drugs. He got me beat. I couldn't look in his eyes for too long. They were too... captivating. That, and I'm terrible with maintaining eye contact. I'm super shy and amazingly awkward at social interaction, holy fuck. And, well, I eventually couldn't handle it anymore and told him I needed to get back before my body shut down. We parted ways. I got home. He didn't send a follow-up text. No biggie. I sent him a "how's it going?" text a day later. He replied. But, then, no more. It both sucks and doesn't because for once, I thought I found a guy who I could see myself dating after falling for a Brit. And it sucks because this guy doesn't feel the same as I have gathered from his lack of texts. 

Alex- the ghost

Here's a funny story. I basically did not give a shit and did not bother at all with playing 'the game' with him. I asked him, "coffee or tea?" and in a couple more messages, I segued into asking him, "we should get coffee/tea some time" to which he agreed to but we never got around to setting a solid day and time. So, I forgot about him until a week later he messages me, "so what happened to that coffee?" I honestly was fine with just leaving it at him forgetting about me and me forgetting about him. But, he had to show up again. So, I continued to chat with him saying he disappeared and so I thought he died or something. We proceeded to arrange a day and time to meet up but he would kind of flake last minute (twice) and well, I just got tired of his shit and basically flew to NYC for my mini vacation and forgot about him again. He didn't bother to message me anymore. We never got to meet up for coffee. For all I care, he doesn't exist. He was just an attractive ghost. 

meetings 1 & 2

since my last post so much has happened. i connected with a few more bagels but none of them struck a conversation and so at the end of the eight-day chat window, we lost the opportunity forever. it’s just as well, perhaps. 

i have also met two people in person. the first, i matched with on tinder after my last post. he immediately messaged me; i remember because it was at 8am on a sunday morning and i didn’t even wake up until maybe noon. by the time i said hi back he’d already been to church and had returned home. we talked for a week i believe, every day, before he texted me one morning and said he was free that night. i also happened to be.

he’s younger than me, a foreign language student at a nearby community college, an international student from Japan. he’s totally into the socal lifestyle, very active, surfing all the time. when we met, he was really charming but we had a hard time maintaining conversation, mostly, i think, from my immediate conversion to the most shy lily who has ever been seen as soon as i set eyes on him in person. we were walking across a street towards each other and his eyes kind of lit up in the sun and i just...had a moment. that lasted for two hours. though he’d been extremely direct in our messages up until then, he was also much quieter than i had expected. he paid for my dinner though i had told him a long time ago, when we first discussed meeting up, that i would pay for myself. i kept asking him questions right after he’d eaten something. i hate eating the first time you meet someone. 

after this, we haven’t met again. but we’ve continued to text. actually today i was driving up a street i only ever take maybe once or twice a month to get to the freeway onramp and a car pulled in front of me, and i thought, ah! it’s him! but then i thought, no, it’s a pretty commonly driven car. but it had a dent in the back bumper and part of the right rear light was missing; he’d showed me last time, saying he backed up into some lady (meaning, her car) in a parking lot recently. then again, there are probably a lot of dented that-kind-of-cars around. later, though, he texted me and said are you driving? and we figured out we’d seen each other there. 

i met another tinder match recently. he’s slightly older than me, and he’d messaged me the day we matched almost exactly a month ago--he’s one of the two from my last post. i was surprised he’d remembered wanting to meet up because it’s been so long since we really talked. we maintained a bit of contact while he was out and about, though there would be some periods where that stopped altogether. i don’t know exactly how to describe this without saying it this way, but he’s not an exceptionally skilled texter. sometimes i’d receive a message and have to translate what it said from a typo-language that i had never encountered before. other times, grammatical structures completely flew out the window and i felt that i entered some kind of language-neutral zone where rules were optional and everyone could express their truest, purest, most caveman-esque sentiments without pressure to adhere to any intelligible patterns. however, luckily for me (and him), i happen to be a language person. so i caught on. i had the feeling all along that he was probably a better in-person communicator, from some of the things he said or some ways he expressed a certain thought that looked peculiar in text but which would seem quite normal in conversation. rhetorical questions, for one, look odd when left untouched in texts, but you don’t think twice about them in conversation (unless you’re me, but that’s another story). 

because he doesn’t live as close to me as the first one does, finding a spot to meet was a bit of a labor, but only a bit of one. since he offered to meet somewhere in orange county i ended up designating a sort-of-halfway-between-us brewery as a meeting point. i wasn’t sure what to expect because i had never been there before but it ended up being really nice; by the end of the night my throat was kind of sore from talking over the din, and so much, but it wasn’t loud the whole time and i never had to worry about conversation because, as suspected, this match was much better, actually exceptionally skilled, at in-person communication. he was also quite clearly intelligent, and sharp. he was really different than i expected him to be for some reason, though--perhaps a little more comfortable and confident than i had imagined. i say that, but i can’t say why, exactly, those things were different than i expected. part of it is that his photos on tinder are from college and i think it’s been at least two (probably three) years since college for him. he was also wearing glasses in person and not in his photos. i almost wasn’t sure it was him... i was standing at the bar looking over the menu when i felt someone lookin at me and turned and saw him and had to look an extra second since he was a bit different, but his smile was instantly recognizable. he’d already got a beer in his hand. he couldn’t have been in there for more than a couple minutes already. but i think that suits him.

i really enjoyed spending time with him. i felt a bit bad that i couldn’t return as many questions to him as he asked to me, and i feel we talked a lot about me and not a lot about him; but our ways are different, and he had a lot of things to ask, and i’m not as much of a people-person anyway. my engagement in a conversation isn’t necessarily an indication of my interest level, though there’s no real way to get this point across without talking about it... so i keep hoping that he doesn’t have the impression i’m not interested because i couldn’t keep up with him in terms of interrogation or vocal expression. conversation isn’t my strength--whereas i like to believe i’m excellent at texting. we were there for a couple hours. i was relieved the beer was good and the place was nice. i’ve thought a lot about the night since. i’d like to see him again. more than i expected to, i’d like to. 

i feel in a way i lucked out with the guys i’ve met. my last experience with tinder was so wildly, almost absurdly different. and gloria’s hasn’t been like mine, either. my sister’s has never been like mine. part of it may be that we’re attracted to different kinds of people, but even then, i’m not sure why it is that i’ve managed to connect with really nice ones. i admit to having been quite superficial as i swiped my way through tinder--swiping right to cute people, attractive people, swiping left if they didn’t seem good-looking to me. i read their bios if i found them interesting, but i also admit that those were just another view of someone rather than being the part of the profile that sealed the deal, you know? and i think that actually my standards are pretty high in terms of looks. not that my own necessarily merit that kind of pickiness but i can’t help it. so i just wonder, how is it that this has happened so pleasantly and enjoyably for me? 

and then i stop myself wondering, because it doesn’t really, i think, matter. it doesn’t matter why. having newly accepted a job offer for a position in Seoul beginning in the end of August, i’m determined not to think too much, not to overly think things (as is my m.o.), in these next few months, but just to enjoy what happens for what it is and nothing else. 

beegulls ?? & tindy

I think it's fair to say that up to this point, I admit that I have not been keeping an account on each bagel I 'pass' on. They're all the same to me. Asian, Asian, Asian, random white guy, Asian, Asian, ad infinitum. Hiking, entrepreneur, adventurous, world traveler, blah, blah, blah. I'd like my date to be 'serious but can joke', 'fashionable', 'trendy'... basically some girl who can fucking cater to the guy. It's great to know what you want, but it's sickening to expect your date to be everything at once. Whatever happened to just meeting new people and actually learning about them? Looking through these apps makes me feel as though I'm looking for a decent top to purchase and add to my wardrobe. 

I'm not shopping for romance. 

And if this is some sick foreshadowing of what's to come, I want out. Perhaps that's why I consistently grow frustrated and defeated the more I use cmb and tinder. It's just not right for me. The way in which things are processed, albeit them being the quickest and easiest method for me to chat with male strangers and possibly strike a chord or two with one or several, is not what I can get used to any time soon. I'm not denouncing the enterprise and what it stands for or its potential to grow into something more commonplace and fruitful. I just realized that it doesn't particularly work for me as much as I hoped it would. Or, maybe, it worked fabulously well because the only guy I ever fell hard for (thus far in my life) was from a tinder match and meet up. But that was somewhere else in some other time. 

Anyway, the boys on tindy that I've come across have all been decent save for a couple who were obviously looking for the fast pass to vag patch. I just made it clear that I was either too oblivious to their motive or too blunt about my lack of interest in sexual excursions. Well, there were also plenty of those that just match with you to match with people in general. Read: you matched but no talk.

I didn't care if they didn't message me first. I just gave them about a day and when I was bored of waiting, I'd just pass a comment about something from their profile that piqued my interest or straight up copied tindy's icebreaker question/statement. Most of them would respond and conversation would ensue. However, not all of them continued the conversation. There are a rare few worth mentioning, but I'll leave that for another post. 

bagels 10 - ? / tinder

basically, cmb continues to provide me horrible matches. to elaborate on each and every bagel would be a project requiring a lot more energy than i am willing to expend on a venture which has ultimately led to more frustration and annoyance than diversion or entertainment. however, i will take the time to write on a few. i lost count soon after bagel 10, because cmb started to send me extra bagels each day. 

one bagel has a profile photo of him wearing a giant banana-shaped hat. his profile is very specific, which is interesting. he says he is serious but silly (i hate this description, why do so many people use it?) and random, that he likes to try out cafes (same as me, ok) and that he will eat anything, that he plays the saxophone (have not seen this before or since tbh), and driving around PCH at night (me!!!!!! i like this too!!!!!!). but then i get to his section labelled i appreciate when my date and it is so specific that i am reasonably sure he has a specific person in mind. he likes when his date has an ingenious fashion style and color matching combination! (what?), is not afraid to be her quirky self, and is honest enough that she often gets close to crossing the fine line into bluntness. i pass on this bagel... 

at a certain point gloria shows me a screenshot of her history of bagels and i find a few i ask her to give to me when she offers. i end up liking a couple of their profiles but have not connected with any of them. 

i was traumatised a couple days ago because cmb presented me a bagel whom i know in real life, went to high school with and who went to my uni, and whom i am facebook friends with....something they say they do not do, they say they do not match you with your own friends and yet??? why????????????????????????????????? it also showed me that he had already liked my profile. i passed for several reasons, least of which being that i am not actually interested in him. if i were i have some other ways to contact him??? i am highly suspicious that anyone at cmb actually knows what they are doing at this point tbh

yesterday i liked one of my bagels and we connected, but he has yet to say anything to me. i liked him mostly because his profile was quite specific and not boring and he works with young kids so we have that in common. also his photos were cute. but i am not really invested in talking with him. he may feel that way about me as well, judging by his lack of reaching out.

* * *

gloria mentioned in her last post that she managed to convince me to use tinder again, this time with strict parameters, because that was my condition for agreeing. i thought i could do it if i knew that it would end soon. the thing is, the first time i used tinder late last year, i did not make any lasting connections and i actually ended up meeting someone in person who was more interested in me than i was in him and i have learned from that mistake. and also i had a reappearing mystery boy who had made it quite clear he was over it back then who started talking to me again out of the blue in february and again last month only to disappear again. i did not meet good people on tinder when i used it. 

i agreed this time, though, because i was bored, because i was frustrated with cmb, and because part of me feels really ready to make connections with people. i have not felt that way before. it is new and kind of overwhelming. but i still did not expect to find this on tinder this time around. i thought it might be fun to talk with strangers, but then again, i didn’t actually expect to. 

within a day i was surprised by how many people were messaging me first -- i am always surprised, actually. i was more surprised to find that they were really nice. i did something dumb...i got interested. there were two who maintained conversation, others were spotty and eventually stopped. 

the second day on the app, i messaged gloria and i told her i didn’t think i would be deleting my account the next day. she said she was feeling the same. what did we get ourselves into? i’m more than likely leaving the country in august... i’m very soft, i get attached, and things matter to me. what did i get myself into? but i could not have anticipated what happened. i am trying to take things as they come and not to expect anything else. but what can i do? i want what i want and feel how i feel... and things happen as they happen. 

beegulls 10-49

So, I haven't updated in a while. A week to be exact. In that short amount of time, my bagel count has jumped from 9 to 49. This is exponential. Unprecedented. But, it is also extremely discouraging because out of the 40 I've only connected with 3 and liked 1. 

To be fair (on myself), I'll briefly categorize the types of guys that cmb has given to me as bagels and those include guys that have liked my profile as well. There are your typical (rejected) wannabe Asian bros, which I've discussed with Lily, that haven't fully transitioned into a full-fledged Asian bro. This basically means that they still retain a bit of dorkiness (whether it's reflected in the way they dress or in how they describe themselves in their profiles. These are absolutely not my type. I have nothing against them. I think, to their credit, they are most likely very compassionate males who still believe in some form of chivalry. Applaudable. 

And then, there are a handful that are actually Asian bros with full on lean muscular builds and pictures of them either outdoors hiking or drinking in a club or something or the other. These are dangerous to me. I just don't trust that lifestyle. My insecurities I suppose. So, they are automatic passes on my end. 

I'd like to shift the focus to my 3 connected bagels and the 1 that is still up in the air (but I'm pretty sure by now that I'm not his type). 

Connected #1: Goes to the same uni. Pursuing a PhD. Describes himself as "relaxed and open-minded, thoughtful, active, adventurous." He seemed alright. By now, I was already anxious to connect with someone so I try my luck and like his profile. We're connected. He does not message me. A day passes. I ask Lily whether I should give a generic greeting or something abnormal. Before she responds, I send him a message: "beep beep". His reply was boring: "?" I prod him, "Question: what made you use this app?" He answers, "My roommate recommended it. I'm not looking for anything serious right now. Purely sexual would be good, or something little more intimate would be good too." Wow. He was obviously misinformed. I decide that it's not worth it to reply. 

Connected #2: Also another PhD student at the same uni. He seemed to hold more potential compared to the first one. Connecting with him was actually a surprise to me. Aside from the usual "outdoorsy" shit, he also described himself as "probably annoying". That caught my interest. I wanted to know how. Never will though. He didn't even reply to my "beep beep". This one's a lost cause. 

Connected #3: Before I matched with him, cmb already let me know that "He likes you" so I had nothing to lose on my end. We connected and he was the first to initiate the conversation by answering the auto-generated ice breaker cmb so kindly provides  us. The question is about movies so we chat about that for a bit. He steers it into the direction about my profile and why I describe myself as "strange". I get a bit into semantics. He backs off with the predictable line, "I'm just teasing" And segues into another equally predictable move, asking me what makes me strange... Ugh. But, in all fairness, he was trying. And, after realizing he wasn't getting anywhere with that topic, he aborts it and starts anew. "What's your idea of a good time?" I give him my answer. He's since gone awol.

Liked #1: Goes to same uni. Seems humorous and fun. Apparently doesn't want to be like that with me. Oh well.

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So, I'm bored again. I'm bored of the types of guys cmb has to offer. My mind's telling me no, but I go ahead and do it anyway. I convince Lily to make a tinder account again. We're going to mess around. This time, with parameters. 3 days. Asking all our matches why they use the app. Thus far, it's alright. There's an alarming amount of guys on tinder that I share mutual friends with. I'm not sure what to make of that yet. I also matched with a couple of them. This is bizarre. 

bagels 7-10

bagel 7 and i chat semi-regularly for two whole days. by the third day, i know that there is more interest on his part and i become slightly agitated. why does he include that little blushing emoticon in almost every message? i like talking to him and i like him as a human, but the attraction is not there. i know by now i have to make this clear. i spend a while thinking about it and even rope a friend into helping me. i message him. we have different interests, i don’t think we’re looking for the same thing, i’m looking for something else right now, sorry. what i mean is that we have little in common, and i am not really into him. but he messages me back, he still wants to meet in person to see if we have chemistry. it takes me over three hours to come up with a way to say but i don’t want to see if we have chemistry or not because i’m not interested in you that way. i end up reiterating my first points. then i say, i’d be happy to be friends with you, if that’s something you’re interested in, but i think it’s not. besides friendship, i don’t have anything to offer you. i say this as nicely as i can. i don’t want to hurt his feelings and it isn’t easy to have to tell someone no for the second time. he responds shortly: so brutal. i shrug metaphorically. i could have shown him brutal. i write, just bein straight wit u, homie. he doesn’t message me again. 

bagels 8, 9, and 10 are complete misses. i am beginning to despair of cmb’s ability to match me with anyone suitable. bagel 8 is someone whose face i cannot pick out amongst a sea of faces (cmb calls this a where’s waldo? photo), but he has an adorable cat. his profile says he likes animals and he’s friendly and open-minded. he likes nerd stuff, coffee, music and being outdoors. i can be down with all of this except being outdoors. he likes it when his date is punctual, has a great sense of humor, and has a bit of a wild side. i have no idea what it means to have a bit of a wild side. it seems to me like he likes it when his date does all the work--is funny and wild! isn’t that asking just a bit too much. i pass on bagel 8. 

bagel 9 freaks me out. i am a shy person, but i am also cautious. bagel 9 is over 6 feet tall, slightly over a foot taller than me actually, and has a post-punk, metal-banger vibe that i cannot get with. he likes girls who play video games--did whoever is matching bagels even read my bio????--and girls who are down to meet and hang out with his friends. no. no no no. there are a lot, i mean a lot, of other things written in his profile, but none that i remotely relate to. he’s a complete extrovert, for one. i am pretty sure that just means i would want to punch him in the face the whole time i was around him; i don’t want to punch all extroverts, of course, but someone who calls themselves a complete extrovert is a special kind of extrovert, ya feel. i would want to punch him, but i would be too scared. i would be afraid to even meet him alone. i show his photo to gloria. all his pictures trigger my fight or flight instincts. i cannot with bagel 9. i pass on bagel 9. 

bagel 10... has nothing written in his profile. i am N/A. i like N/A. i like it when my date N/A. needless to say, i pass on bagel 10. let’s say he were a famous male model or celebrity about whom i already knew all i needed to know in order to establish a basis for attraction. at this point, and at this point only, would i like someone whose profile was so underfed. like excuse u but u gotta work a little here ok i am not just going to fall into ur arms from above

at some point during all of this, i email CMB to ask what the deal is with extra bagels, explaining that gloria and i joined at the same time, and she receives extra ones each day, whereas i have never been offered this feature. the genius who emails me back says that since i am so new i have not yet unlocked this feature, as well as mentioning that extra bagels are presented to profiles that have not yet liked their daily bagels. i figured something to the effect of the latter part, but for him to say that i am new so i don’t get these yet is stupid, since gloria and i literally joined an hour apart, and i joined before her. in addition to this, i believe that gloria has liked at least one of her daily bagels. so i am still kind of confused as to why this happens. oh well. it’s not like emailing to ask should have helped me understand right

after all of this, i narrow down my preferences even more than before. a notification pops up that tells me that a certain number of bagels have already liked me but they may not meet my new preferences. would i rather see these bagels and start getting preference-matching bagels after that, or would i rather start fresh? well, here’s the thing, if the quality of my matches had been good at all so far, i would go ahead and say to keep the bagels who’d liked me and to start again after that. but look at what i’ve got so far. so i tell them to start fresh tomorrow. 

meanwhile, i have still not heard back from bagel 6. i’ve returned a few times to his profile to look at his photos again. in any case, just knowing that he is in the world somewhere looking for his bagel is enough of a comfort even if we do not end up connecting. 

gloria and i are considering branching out into a new app. because we are not in a city what we have to work with is a bit limited. frustratingly. i think also most people just do not use this app. we each have tried tinder again momentarily and ended up deleting our accounts pretty soon after, like hours after, because it is actually the worst to start from scratch there, so we’ll have to find something else. 

bagels 3 - 7

i discover on accident why i need coffee beans. the revelation is not wholly welcome. when i receive bagel 3, his profile is very sweet and i feel like he is a wonderful person, but i feel no physical attraction. since i am on a mission to find the perfect bagel, i pass. i feel bad about this for a while. but i know in person i would have passed, too. 

i find out that in the section titled give or take, you see previews of profiles you may or may not like to give to someone you know (give) or take for yourself (take). i wonder why they did not extend the food metaphors to this section of the app? serve or save for leftovers, for example. i scan through the profile previews and a big smile catches my eye. when i press the take button, a notification alerts me that i need to hand over 335 beans for the transaction. i become agitated and close the app. but i keep thinking about it. it is not a real transaction. i did not pay for the beans. the beans were given to me and this is what they are for. it is not weird to buy access to a person’s profile. (but it is. i still feel odd about this feature. i understand that they want you to choose carefully. however, i should just be trusted to do that and if i don’t, it’s not gonna be nice for me anyway...)

i end up taking one of the profiles. when i am granted his full profile, i find out that he’s probably not going to be interested in me due to differences in a certain point of view, but i still like him anyway. he is bagel 4, from whom i have not heard back. 

i find out that gloria receives 5 extra bagels. this has happened at least twice. i think about this a lot. first i am jealous. not that she likes them, but still. the extra options...  after a while i come up with the theory that because i have expressed interest in someone by taking them for 335 beans, the app has hope for me, and does not feel the pressure to present me with these 5 extra options. but gloria (until today) held out and passed on everyone, so the app worries more for her. that is my theory. i talked with her today and found out she liked at least one profile, and took one, too. i look forward to seeing whether or not she still receives the 5 extra bagels each day...

in addition to this, she says she can see that these 5 bagels have already liked her profile. i realize that it is quite possible that nobody is liking my profile and this is why i do not have the extras. it is also possible that the people who have liked my profile are the bagels i have been receiving and that is why we are so lowly compatible. 

bagel 5 is completely, 100%, more than 100% not my type. i have no idea why the app presented him to me except that i have a limited opportunity to say what i am not looking for. i pass on bagel 5. 

i take bagel 6. he’s dressed cute and has a really lovely face. he seems like someone i would get along with, laid back and has “hang out” as one of the things he likes to do. not one of those “go on adventures!” types who i think, once pressured, wouldn’t even know how to explain what an adventure is to me, especially after i pointed out that most people’s ideas of adventures are hiking in the mountains or in a park (on a trail) ... i have yet to hear from bagel 6. 

bagel 7 comes to me at noon today. i am pleased by the first photo; he isn’t my usual type but he seems friendly and i feel that there is a chance that we may connect. i like his profile. immediately i receive a push notification that we have connected because he liked mine, too. i also receive an email, which is kind of amusing to me. there is now a chat room available to us. it already has a question that both of us can see and choose to answer in order to facilitate conversation. but bagel 7 is not shy. he asks me about a half hour after we connect, did you find this site looking for breakfast, too? we have maintained smalltalk since then. it is now after 8pm. i am unsure about how i feel. i’m mostly just glad he hasn’t asked for my number yet. 

i am still hoping to hear back from bagel 6. but to each his own. i respect this. 

beegulls 1-9

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this dating app. I think the first time I heard of it was because a friend who was crushing on a guy at that time found out that he met a girl through this app. She was making fun of the name- coffee meets bagel. Corny, she said. I thought it made sense. How else would you have your bagel? Without coffee? Absurd. 

The second time it cropped up was when I was in London and a friend recommended the app because I told her some of my encounters with guys from Tinder. Apparently, it retains less of a 'hook up' impression compared to Tinder she divulged. I checked it out, but realized the service was only available in the states. Oh well.

So, the third time came around recently. We were chatting, Lily and I, about anything and everything. This time though, it was I who mentioned about cmb. I figured we had nothing to lose. 

One picture. Some words. My profile is skeletal. But, that's exactly how I prefer it. 

However, the bagels I've been offered thus far have fleshed out profiles. The first seemed playful until I saw his last picture- one of him holding a (toy?) handgun. Nope. The second was below the age range I prefer so an automatic pass. I just was not physically attracted to the third one at all. "I appreciate my date... is down to earth and always smiling" ??? Hell no. Fourth one didn't strike me as interesting at all. 

And then, I was offered five! extra bagels in addition to my fourth. What a steal. First of five was a decent guy, just not my type. Second of five seemed to be my type ish but as Lily pointed out, he referred to himself as ... "Tall, white and handsome" Ugh. Third and fourth of five were easy passes. Last of five did make me chuckle a bit with his answer under "I appreciate when my date... Shows up" And yet, it was still a pass. 

bagels 1 & 2

the app is coffee meets bagel. the title offends my sensibilities and creative, albeit restrained, preferences. but gloria and i make a pact to use it, and i read the reviews and decide, what the hell. i download it. it is almost midnight. 

the profile attaches to my facebook profile. the idea is that i am now a cup of coffee and the app will set me up with daily bagels. i suspend my disbelief. i become a cup of coffee. i fill out my profile. name, age, current city, ethnicity, height, religion, occupation, education. then categories like, i am..., and i like..., and i appreciate when my date.... each time i fill out a piece of information for the latter three categories, i earn three coffee beans. i do not know why i want coffee beans.

i am matched with my first bagel before i fill out my profile. this seems a flaw in the system. there is a flaw in my bagel. he is 37, works in sales, adventurous, well-traveled and well-rounded. he likes to be spontaneous. he likes it when his date has a sense of humor, can have an intelligent conversation. his photos are random; in one, he seems to be in the outer corridors of an old cathedral, in another, he is clearly at a wedding, in the next one he is making a douche-face over the heads of two blonds, in the other he is alone lounging against the side of a couch in a poorly-lit hotel room. he is vanilla-bean white man. he is too much older than me. i am 100% sure i am not his type. i pass on bagel 1. 

bagel 2 is revealed to me at 12PM on friday. he is good-looking, holding a dog in his first photo. i click through to his profile. he is my age, 22, a research assistant at a nearby university. he was probably in my same graduating class. he is silly but serious, an all-around entertainer, a history buff. he likes going on adventures and discovering new things. he likes his date to be able to out-quote him in movies and to engage in sophisticated conversation. all his photos look like they were taken at parties. it looks like he may still identify to a great extent with the frat boy dream. his profile seems ordinary. we do not have anything in common besides our alma mater, and i am reasonably sure i am not his type either, so i pass on bagel 2. 

coffee meets bagel (cmb) provides coffees with one bagel per day at noon based on user-provided preferences in religion, ethnicity, and age range. i narrow down my preferences. i will no longer be satisfied with any bagel. there are bagels all around me every day from which i could choose if finding any kind would do. this app promises a lot, and so i decide to aim to find the perfect one.