bagel 7 and i chat semi-regularly for two whole days. by the third day, i know that there is more interest on his part and i become slightly agitated. why does he include that little blushing emoticon in almost every message? i like talking to him and i like him as a human, but the attraction is not there. i know by now i have to make this clear. i spend a while thinking about it and even rope a friend into helping me. i message him. we have different interests, i don’t think we’re looking for the same thing, i’m looking for something else right now, sorry. what i mean is that we have little in common, and i am not really into him. but he messages me back, he still wants to meet in person to see if we have chemistry. it takes me over three hours to come up with a way to say but i don’t want to see if we have chemistry or not because i’m not interested in you that way. i end up reiterating my first points. then i say, i’d be happy to be friends with you, if that’s something you’re interested in, but i think it’s not. besides friendship, i don’t have anything to offer you. i say this as nicely as i can. i don’t want to hurt his feelings and it isn’t easy to have to tell someone no for the second time. he responds shortly: so brutal. i shrug metaphorically. i could have shown him brutal. i write, just bein straight wit u, homie. he doesn’t message me again.
bagels 8, 9, and 10 are complete misses. i am beginning to despair of cmb’s ability to match me with anyone suitable. bagel 8 is someone whose face i cannot pick out amongst a sea of faces (cmb calls this a where’s waldo? photo), but he has an adorable cat. his profile says he likes animals and he’s friendly and open-minded. he likes nerd stuff, coffee, music and being outdoors. i can be down with all of this except being outdoors. he likes it when his date is punctual, has a great sense of humor, and has a bit of a wild side. i have no idea what it means to have a bit of a wild side. it seems to me like he likes it when his date does all the work--is funny and wild! isn’t that asking just a bit too much. i pass on bagel 8.
bagel 9 freaks me out. i am a shy person, but i am also cautious. bagel 9 is over 6 feet tall, slightly over a foot taller than me actually, and has a post-punk, metal-banger vibe that i cannot get with. he likes girls who play video games--did whoever is matching bagels even read my bio????--and girls who are down to meet and hang out with his friends. no. no no no. there are a lot, i mean a lot, of other things written in his profile, but none that i remotely relate to. he’s a complete extrovert, for one. i am pretty sure that just means i would want to punch him in the face the whole time i was around him; i don’t want to punch all extroverts, of course, but someone who calls themselves a complete extrovert is a special kind of extrovert, ya feel. i would want to punch him, but i would be too scared. i would be afraid to even meet him alone. i show his photo to gloria. all his pictures trigger my fight or flight instincts. i cannot with bagel 9. i pass on bagel 9.
bagel 10... has nothing written in his profile. i am N/A. i like N/A. i like it when my date N/A. needless to say, i pass on bagel 10. let’s say he were a famous male model or celebrity about whom i already knew all i needed to know in order to establish a basis for attraction. at this point, and at this point only, would i like someone whose profile was so underfed. like excuse u but u gotta work a little here ok i am not just going to fall into ur arms from above
at some point during all of this, i email CMB to ask what the deal is with extra bagels, explaining that gloria and i joined at the same time, and she receives extra ones each day, whereas i have never been offered this feature. the genius who emails me back says that since i am so new i have not yet unlocked this feature, as well as mentioning that extra bagels are presented to profiles that have not yet liked their daily bagels. i figured something to the effect of the latter part, but for him to say that i am new so i don’t get these yet is stupid, since gloria and i literally joined an hour apart, and i joined before her. in addition to this, i believe that gloria has liked at least one of her daily bagels. so i am still kind of confused as to why this happens. oh well. it’s not like emailing to ask should have helped me understand right
after all of this, i narrow down my preferences even more than before. a notification pops up that tells me that a certain number of bagels have already liked me but they may not meet my new preferences. would i rather see these bagels and start getting preference-matching bagels after that, or would i rather start fresh? well, here’s the thing, if the quality of my matches had been good at all so far, i would go ahead and say to keep the bagels who’d liked me and to start again after that. but look at what i’ve got so far. so i tell them to start fresh tomorrow.
meanwhile, i have still not heard back from bagel 6. i’ve returned a few times to his profile to look at his photos again. in any case, just knowing that he is in the world somewhere looking for his bagel is enough of a comfort even if we do not end up connecting.
gloria and i are considering branching out into a new app. because we are not in a city what we have to work with is a bit limited. frustratingly. i think also most people just do not use this app. we each have tried tinder again momentarily and ended up deleting our accounts pretty soon after, like hours after, because it is actually the worst to start from scratch there, so we’ll have to find something else.
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