Farewell

Matthew (the hiker):

His smile in his pictures were inviting. He came off as a chill guy. So, I swiped right on him and we matched. We had an easygoing conversation. My inference of his character was almost spot-on. He is pretty inviting, laid-back even. I didn't hesitate when he suggested we meet up. Initially, he suggested we go hiking. Somehow, it ended up spending a couple hours chatting at a Starbucks before him grabbing lunch (because I wasn't hungry yet). He did his fair bit of traveling. As it were, he came back from teaching abroad in Japan. We traded stories about our adventures in that country. We also realized how similar we are in nature. I think he was the closest I got to being how I usually am around good friends, which is saying a lot. He didn't elicit much of the anxieties and nervousness that I usually am ravaged by whenever I meet up with a match. It's curious. And yet, I never did get back to him on that hike he suggested in the first place. It started off as my lack of interest in requesting a second meet up. Then, it rolled into forgetting to even tell him I'm sorry for not saying anything at all. In the end, an awkward amount of time passed to which I just gave up thinking about it at all. I think at some point during our meeting, he had a booger dangling in plain view in his nostril. It distracted me more than it disgusted me. 

Andrew (the last one):

He had a dorky smile that caught me off guard. We exchanged lengthy messages- meaningful ones. It's quite rare to come across guys on tinder who take the time to actually hold a decent conversation. Quite often, they're kind of dull. I think maybe we're all just a bit apprehensive about being the person who comes off as the more interested party so we just keep things light and noncommitted. I find it a shame, really. You're really just exchanging words via the Internet, words that are easily taken to be true, too. There's really nothing to be apprehensive about and yet, all too often people over trivialize things. Well, with Andrew, it was pleasant to just chat with him. The long blocks of text were refreshing to see. I kind of surprised myself when I spontaneously agreed to meet him, for a movie of all the activities to choose from. For some unknown reason, I assumed the Minions movie was screening and suggested we watch that. He found the showtime and we met in front of the theater. I was late, no surprise there. It turns out, the theater had showtimes listed for a movie that hasn't even hit the big screen yet. So, we opted for another movie that had a similar showtime. It was Inside Out. Right after we decided on the movie, he went over to the cashier to buy tickets. I wasn't prepared for him to just buy my ticket, to be honest. I never expect the guy to pay for my share. Anyway, I greatly appreciate the gesture because I don't think I would ever watch Inside Out if I had to pay for it myself. 

Halfway through the movie, I suppose, he started to put the moves on me. Now, this was my first movie theater date (sans high school experiences) so I was only riding on what I learned from pop culture mediums. There was a comedic scene and as we were laughing, he initiated the first physical contact in the form of lightly touching my hand, which was resting on my bag that was on my lap and then left his right arm over the arm rest and directly next to my left thigh. I remember thinking how long he would leave it there if I left it alone and feigned ignorance. I was more intrigued with how he'd subtly retract it after he realized I wasn't about to attend to his arm at all. He probably wasn't one to give up easily. After a while, he moved his hand to rest it on top of my bag as if to say, hey, I'm right here. Hold me. At that point, I had my arms folded across my chest. I knew that if I continued to ignore his hand, the rest of the night would be extremely awkward and uncomfortable. I wasn't about to go through that so I just gave in and interlocked my fingers with his. We finished the movie and he insisted I try out Dave and Busters because I mentioned once that I never went to one. Like he did with the movie tickets, he bought a game card for us to use to play the arcade games. It was really nice and generous of him. We played a couple rounds of Time Crisis. Skeezeball. I beat him at that. Then, he made me play this terrible zombie shooting game that measures your heart rate because its main feature is to scare the living hell out of you by making the zombies pop out at you and screech at you as you try your best to plug them with bullet holes. He had to pick up a friend from the airport so we parted ways at the parking garage. We hugged. I thanked him for the night. And then, I never responded to him. It was for two reasons. The first one was because I simply didn't feel compelled to. The second and main one is because throughout the whole date and even afterwards, I kept on thinking of another person. 


This whole episode with cmb and tinder was just a huge mess I created just so I could try and distract myself from thinking about the one person that has plagued my mind for the past half year. In a way, it did kind of work. I haven't been as fixated. Still, my feelings haven't changed. Aside from trying to distract myself, I also wanted to see if I could find it in me to meet someone new and perhaps develop a relationship. And yet, the result is negative. All I can solidly conclude from this adventure is that online dating doesn't work for me. At least, in the past couple months or so it didn't seem to. So, I've decided to part ways with it indefinitely. Who's to say I might get back into somewhere in the future? But, in my current state, I rather not be concerned with it. 

beegulls ?? & tindy

I think it's fair to say that up to this point, I admit that I have not been keeping an account on each bagel I 'pass' on. They're all the same to me. Asian, Asian, Asian, random white guy, Asian, Asian, ad infinitum. Hiking, entrepreneur, adventurous, world traveler, blah, blah, blah. I'd like my date to be 'serious but can joke', 'fashionable', 'trendy'... basically some girl who can fucking cater to the guy. It's great to know what you want, but it's sickening to expect your date to be everything at once. Whatever happened to just meeting new people and actually learning about them? Looking through these apps makes me feel as though I'm looking for a decent top to purchase and add to my wardrobe. 

I'm not shopping for romance. 

And if this is some sick foreshadowing of what's to come, I want out. Perhaps that's why I consistently grow frustrated and defeated the more I use cmb and tinder. It's just not right for me. The way in which things are processed, albeit them being the quickest and easiest method for me to chat with male strangers and possibly strike a chord or two with one or several, is not what I can get used to any time soon. I'm not denouncing the enterprise and what it stands for or its potential to grow into something more commonplace and fruitful. I just realized that it doesn't particularly work for me as much as I hoped it would. Or, maybe, it worked fabulously well because the only guy I ever fell hard for (thus far in my life) was from a tinder match and meet up. But that was somewhere else in some other time. 

Anyway, the boys on tindy that I've come across have all been decent save for a couple who were obviously looking for the fast pass to vag patch. I just made it clear that I was either too oblivious to their motive or too blunt about my lack of interest in sexual excursions. Well, there were also plenty of those that just match with you to match with people in general. Read: you matched but no talk.

I didn't care if they didn't message me first. I just gave them about a day and when I was bored of waiting, I'd just pass a comment about something from their profile that piqued my interest or straight up copied tindy's icebreaker question/statement. Most of them would respond and conversation would ensue. However, not all of them continued the conversation. There are a rare few worth mentioning, but I'll leave that for another post. 

bagels 10 - ? / tinder

basically, cmb continues to provide me horrible matches. to elaborate on each and every bagel would be a project requiring a lot more energy than i am willing to expend on a venture which has ultimately led to more frustration and annoyance than diversion or entertainment. however, i will take the time to write on a few. i lost count soon after bagel 10, because cmb started to send me extra bagels each day. 

one bagel has a profile photo of him wearing a giant banana-shaped hat. his profile is very specific, which is interesting. he says he is serious but silly (i hate this description, why do so many people use it?) and random, that he likes to try out cafes (same as me, ok) and that he will eat anything, that he plays the saxophone (have not seen this before or since tbh), and driving around PCH at night (me!!!!!! i like this too!!!!!!). but then i get to his section labelled i appreciate when my date and it is so specific that i am reasonably sure he has a specific person in mind. he likes when his date has an ingenious fashion style and color matching combination! (what?), is not afraid to be her quirky self, and is honest enough that she often gets close to crossing the fine line into bluntness. i pass on this bagel... 

at a certain point gloria shows me a screenshot of her history of bagels and i find a few i ask her to give to me when she offers. i end up liking a couple of their profiles but have not connected with any of them. 

i was traumatised a couple days ago because cmb presented me a bagel whom i know in real life, went to high school with and who went to my uni, and whom i am facebook friends with....something they say they do not do, they say they do not match you with your own friends and yet??? why????????????????????????????????? it also showed me that he had already liked my profile. i passed for several reasons, least of which being that i am not actually interested in him. if i were i have some other ways to contact him??? i am highly suspicious that anyone at cmb actually knows what they are doing at this point tbh

yesterday i liked one of my bagels and we connected, but he has yet to say anything to me. i liked him mostly because his profile was quite specific and not boring and he works with young kids so we have that in common. also his photos were cute. but i am not really invested in talking with him. he may feel that way about me as well, judging by his lack of reaching out.

* * *

gloria mentioned in her last post that she managed to convince me to use tinder again, this time with strict parameters, because that was my condition for agreeing. i thought i could do it if i knew that it would end soon. the thing is, the first time i used tinder late last year, i did not make any lasting connections and i actually ended up meeting someone in person who was more interested in me than i was in him and i have learned from that mistake. and also i had a reappearing mystery boy who had made it quite clear he was over it back then who started talking to me again out of the blue in february and again last month only to disappear again. i did not meet good people on tinder when i used it. 

i agreed this time, though, because i was bored, because i was frustrated with cmb, and because part of me feels really ready to make connections with people. i have not felt that way before. it is new and kind of overwhelming. but i still did not expect to find this on tinder this time around. i thought it might be fun to talk with strangers, but then again, i didn’t actually expect to. 

within a day i was surprised by how many people were messaging me first -- i am always surprised, actually. i was more surprised to find that they were really nice. i did something dumb...i got interested. there were two who maintained conversation, others were spotty and eventually stopped. 

the second day on the app, i messaged gloria and i told her i didn’t think i would be deleting my account the next day. she said she was feeling the same. what did we get ourselves into? i’m more than likely leaving the country in august... i’m very soft, i get attached, and things matter to me. what did i get myself into? but i could not have anticipated what happened. i am trying to take things as they come and not to expect anything else. but what can i do? i want what i want and feel how i feel... and things happen as they happen. 

beegulls 10-49

So, I haven't updated in a while. A week to be exact. In that short amount of time, my bagel count has jumped from 9 to 49. This is exponential. Unprecedented. But, it is also extremely discouraging because out of the 40 I've only connected with 3 and liked 1. 

To be fair (on myself), I'll briefly categorize the types of guys that cmb has given to me as bagels and those include guys that have liked my profile as well. There are your typical (rejected) wannabe Asian bros, which I've discussed with Lily, that haven't fully transitioned into a full-fledged Asian bro. This basically means that they still retain a bit of dorkiness (whether it's reflected in the way they dress or in how they describe themselves in their profiles. These are absolutely not my type. I have nothing against them. I think, to their credit, they are most likely very compassionate males who still believe in some form of chivalry. Applaudable. 

And then, there are a handful that are actually Asian bros with full on lean muscular builds and pictures of them either outdoors hiking or drinking in a club or something or the other. These are dangerous to me. I just don't trust that lifestyle. My insecurities I suppose. So, they are automatic passes on my end. 

I'd like to shift the focus to my 3 connected bagels and the 1 that is still up in the air (but I'm pretty sure by now that I'm not his type). 

Connected #1: Goes to the same uni. Pursuing a PhD. Describes himself as "relaxed and open-minded, thoughtful, active, adventurous." He seemed alright. By now, I was already anxious to connect with someone so I try my luck and like his profile. We're connected. He does not message me. A day passes. I ask Lily whether I should give a generic greeting or something abnormal. Before she responds, I send him a message: "beep beep". His reply was boring: "?" I prod him, "Question: what made you use this app?" He answers, "My roommate recommended it. I'm not looking for anything serious right now. Purely sexual would be good, or something little more intimate would be good too." Wow. He was obviously misinformed. I decide that it's not worth it to reply. 

Connected #2: Also another PhD student at the same uni. He seemed to hold more potential compared to the first one. Connecting with him was actually a surprise to me. Aside from the usual "outdoorsy" shit, he also described himself as "probably annoying". That caught my interest. I wanted to know how. Never will though. He didn't even reply to my "beep beep". This one's a lost cause. 

Connected #3: Before I matched with him, cmb already let me know that "He likes you" so I had nothing to lose on my end. We connected and he was the first to initiate the conversation by answering the auto-generated ice breaker cmb so kindly provides  us. The question is about movies so we chat about that for a bit. He steers it into the direction about my profile and why I describe myself as "strange". I get a bit into semantics. He backs off with the predictable line, "I'm just teasing" And segues into another equally predictable move, asking me what makes me strange... Ugh. But, in all fairness, he was trying. And, after realizing he wasn't getting anywhere with that topic, he aborts it and starts anew. "What's your idea of a good time?" I give him my answer. He's since gone awol.

Liked #1: Goes to same uni. Seems humorous and fun. Apparently doesn't want to be like that with me. Oh well.

------------------------------

So, I'm bored again. I'm bored of the types of guys cmb has to offer. My mind's telling me no, but I go ahead and do it anyway. I convince Lily to make a tinder account again. We're going to mess around. This time, with parameters. 3 days. Asking all our matches why they use the app. Thus far, it's alright. There's an alarming amount of guys on tinder that I share mutual friends with. I'm not sure what to make of that yet. I also matched with a couple of them. This is bizarre. 

bagels 7-10

bagel 7 and i chat semi-regularly for two whole days. by the third day, i know that there is more interest on his part and i become slightly agitated. why does he include that little blushing emoticon in almost every message? i like talking to him and i like him as a human, but the attraction is not there. i know by now i have to make this clear. i spend a while thinking about it and even rope a friend into helping me. i message him. we have different interests, i don’t think we’re looking for the same thing, i’m looking for something else right now, sorry. what i mean is that we have little in common, and i am not really into him. but he messages me back, he still wants to meet in person to see if we have chemistry. it takes me over three hours to come up with a way to say but i don’t want to see if we have chemistry or not because i’m not interested in you that way. i end up reiterating my first points. then i say, i’d be happy to be friends with you, if that’s something you’re interested in, but i think it’s not. besides friendship, i don’t have anything to offer you. i say this as nicely as i can. i don’t want to hurt his feelings and it isn’t easy to have to tell someone no for the second time. he responds shortly: so brutal. i shrug metaphorically. i could have shown him brutal. i write, just bein straight wit u, homie. he doesn’t message me again. 

bagels 8, 9, and 10 are complete misses. i am beginning to despair of cmb’s ability to match me with anyone suitable. bagel 8 is someone whose face i cannot pick out amongst a sea of faces (cmb calls this a where’s waldo? photo), but he has an adorable cat. his profile says he likes animals and he’s friendly and open-minded. he likes nerd stuff, coffee, music and being outdoors. i can be down with all of this except being outdoors. he likes it when his date is punctual, has a great sense of humor, and has a bit of a wild side. i have no idea what it means to have a bit of a wild side. it seems to me like he likes it when his date does all the work--is funny and wild! isn’t that asking just a bit too much. i pass on bagel 8. 

bagel 9 freaks me out. i am a shy person, but i am also cautious. bagel 9 is over 6 feet tall, slightly over a foot taller than me actually, and has a post-punk, metal-banger vibe that i cannot get with. he likes girls who play video games--did whoever is matching bagels even read my bio????--and girls who are down to meet and hang out with his friends. no. no no no. there are a lot, i mean a lot, of other things written in his profile, but none that i remotely relate to. he’s a complete extrovert, for one. i am pretty sure that just means i would want to punch him in the face the whole time i was around him; i don’t want to punch all extroverts, of course, but someone who calls themselves a complete extrovert is a special kind of extrovert, ya feel. i would want to punch him, but i would be too scared. i would be afraid to even meet him alone. i show his photo to gloria. all his pictures trigger my fight or flight instincts. i cannot with bagel 9. i pass on bagel 9. 

bagel 10... has nothing written in his profile. i am N/A. i like N/A. i like it when my date N/A. needless to say, i pass on bagel 10. let’s say he were a famous male model or celebrity about whom i already knew all i needed to know in order to establish a basis for attraction. at this point, and at this point only, would i like someone whose profile was so underfed. like excuse u but u gotta work a little here ok i am not just going to fall into ur arms from above

at some point during all of this, i email CMB to ask what the deal is with extra bagels, explaining that gloria and i joined at the same time, and she receives extra ones each day, whereas i have never been offered this feature. the genius who emails me back says that since i am so new i have not yet unlocked this feature, as well as mentioning that extra bagels are presented to profiles that have not yet liked their daily bagels. i figured something to the effect of the latter part, but for him to say that i am new so i don’t get these yet is stupid, since gloria and i literally joined an hour apart, and i joined before her. in addition to this, i believe that gloria has liked at least one of her daily bagels. so i am still kind of confused as to why this happens. oh well. it’s not like emailing to ask should have helped me understand right

after all of this, i narrow down my preferences even more than before. a notification pops up that tells me that a certain number of bagels have already liked me but they may not meet my new preferences. would i rather see these bagels and start getting preference-matching bagels after that, or would i rather start fresh? well, here’s the thing, if the quality of my matches had been good at all so far, i would go ahead and say to keep the bagels who’d liked me and to start again after that. but look at what i’ve got so far. so i tell them to start fresh tomorrow. 

meanwhile, i have still not heard back from bagel 6. i’ve returned a few times to his profile to look at his photos again. in any case, just knowing that he is in the world somewhere looking for his bagel is enough of a comfort even if we do not end up connecting. 

gloria and i are considering branching out into a new app. because we are not in a city what we have to work with is a bit limited. frustratingly. i think also most people just do not use this app. we each have tried tinder again momentarily and ended up deleting our accounts pretty soon after, like hours after, because it is actually the worst to start from scratch there, so we’ll have to find something else. 

beegulls 1-9

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this dating app. I think the first time I heard of it was because a friend who was crushing on a guy at that time found out that he met a girl through this app. She was making fun of the name- coffee meets bagel. Corny, she said. I thought it made sense. How else would you have your bagel? Without coffee? Absurd. 

The second time it cropped up was when I was in London and a friend recommended the app because I told her some of my encounters with guys from Tinder. Apparently, it retains less of a 'hook up' impression compared to Tinder she divulged. I checked it out, but realized the service was only available in the states. Oh well.

So, the third time came around recently. We were chatting, Lily and I, about anything and everything. This time though, it was I who mentioned about cmb. I figured we had nothing to lose. 

One picture. Some words. My profile is skeletal. But, that's exactly how I prefer it. 

However, the bagels I've been offered thus far have fleshed out profiles. The first seemed playful until I saw his last picture- one of him holding a (toy?) handgun. Nope. The second was below the age range I prefer so an automatic pass. I just was not physically attracted to the third one at all. "I appreciate my date... is down to earth and always smiling" ??? Hell no. Fourth one didn't strike me as interesting at all. 

And then, I was offered five! extra bagels in addition to my fourth. What a steal. First of five was a decent guy, just not my type. Second of five seemed to be my type ish but as Lily pointed out, he referred to himself as ... "Tall, white and handsome" Ugh. Third and fourth of five were easy passes. Last of five did make me chuckle a bit with his answer under "I appreciate when my date... Shows up" And yet, it was still a pass.